Victorian Paintings: A Miscellany

This isn’t a real post. Also, it’s going to be full of swearing. NSFW, probably.

I just went to the Birmingham Museum and Art Gallery, which has not only a fantastic Edwardian Tea Room, but also a great collection of Pre-Raphaelite paintings. One of my favorite things to do in the entire world is go to art galleries, though I know sod-all about art. This is because I enjoy 1.) seeing portraits of women wearing fabulous headdresses, and 2.) snarking silly looking paintings with ridiculous things happening in them.

While having a good, irreverent giggle at the Museum, I managed to write down the names and artists of several paintings from the 1700s-early 1900s so I could share them all with you. My caption is at the top, but I’ll be sure to put the actual title, artist, and year below.

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“I HEARD YOU TALKING SHIT ABOUT MY MULLET, KYLE”

Briton Riviere, “Phoebus Apollo” (1895-98)

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Not going to lie, guys, Brienne of Tarth is starting to look real good.

George Frederic Watts, “Aspiration” (1866)

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When the high school jock gets publicly told off by the underdog, and tries real hard to salvage his cool.

Charles Lock Eastlake, “The Champion” (1824)

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Salma Hayek is fucking AGHAST

Frederick Sandys, “Medea” (1866)

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It’s hard out there for a pimp

Joshua Reynolds, “Portrait of Dr Ash” (1788)

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Well, I found my epitaph

Stained glass window, Birmingham Museum and Gallery

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“There . . . there appears to be a hole in me stump.”

Wooden pocket watch holder, 1700s, Birmingham Museum and Gallery

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“Mother and I would like to welcome you to our house.”

Evelyn De Morgan, “Portrait of William De Morgan” (1909).

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“What we are doing here need not concern you, human.”

Jean-Baptiste Oudry, “The Cat and the Monkey” (1739).

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This is some Great God Pan/The Shining/Children of the Corn bullshit. These two little dread-beasts are the very last thing you’d want to see on an isolated walk.

Johann Zoffany, “The Blunt Children” (1765)

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There is nothing wrong with this painting, except for the name of the sitter: Mrs Farquharson of Finzean. All I could think of was me trying to write fantasy novels as a preteen and coming up with names by randomly banging my hands on the keyboard.

What should I name the heroine of my fantasy epic? Mrs . . . Farquahadsnvlkskeb of . . . Finzeaiunkmunnadj

Sir Henry Roeburn, “Mrs Farquharson of Finzean” (1812-23?)

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When you meet up with friends for a night out, but you’re four drinks ahead of everyone else.

Jean Baptiste Marie Pierre, “Psyche Rescued by Naiads from Drowning” (1750)

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The reactions of the three women in the background are:

“OMG, don’t drink poison, Sigismonda!”

“No! Stop! Don’t throw your life away!”

“Do it, bitch. I fucking hate you anyway.”

Joseph Southall PRBSA, “Sigismonda Drinking the Poison” (1898-99).

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That eye-roll we all did when we read the 7th Harry Potter book and discovered that the Malofys have peacocks running around their estate.

Joseph Southall PRBSA, “New Lamps for Old” (1900-01)

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“I mean, isn’t drawing a dick on his face a bit . . . sophomoric?”

“Do it.”

Joseph Southall PRBSA, “Exchanging the Letter” (1908-09).

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I didn’t realize you could actually paint someone making a weird noise, but all three people in this painting have proved me wrong.

Ford Madox Brown, “The Death of Sir Tristram” (1864)

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I don’t know what that lamb must have done to that baby in order to make the red mist descend like that.

Ford Madox Brown, “The Pretty Baa-Lambs” (1851-59)

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That’s all for me today! Expect more of these with each new museum I visit.

 

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