Wagner The Wehr-Wolf, Part 4: Chekov’s Anaconda

Oh, lord, this is the entry of Wagner where things start to get REALLY weird. And by 'weird', I mean 'asinine'. For those of you who have missed these posts up til now, I am recapping a 1850s sort-of-horror serial called Wagner the Wehr-Wolf by G.W.M. Reynolds. Click to read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 of the recap. The original text is here, not that anyone is actually going to read it.

Where we left off, Wagner is still in jail, Nisida has been kidnapped by Stephano, and Giulia and Flora have been rescued from the evil convent where there was a straight-up nun BLOODBATH.

Wagner’s brooding in his cell. Mist seeps under his cell door and turns into Dracula Satan. They have a Louis/Lestat moment where Wagner’s like, “You and Creepy McWishGiver from the beginning of the book caused me so much misery by turning me into a MONSTER” and Satan is like, “Get over yourself, your life is awesome now.” Then it is revealed that Creepy McWishGiver was actually Faust. Oh, lord, this is dumb. Anyway, Satan is in Wagner’s cell and he’s telling Wagner not to be such a whiny bitch, and I think we can all agree with him.

Satan goes, “I can totally make you not be a Wehr-Wolf anymore, but you have to give me your IMMORTAL SOOOOUL” and Wagner’s like, “Nope.” Satan is like, “How about if I prove you my power? I can show you anything you like.” And I’m like, “He just entered your cell by transforming into MIST. What more frigging proof do you need?” And Wagner goes, “DURRRRRRR OKAY. Show me Nisida right now.” And Satan shows Nisida, who is currently tied up on a boat, being kidnapped by Stephano. And Wagner’s like, “GAAAAH MY LADY LOVE!” And Satan's like, “You can totally save her if you sell me your soul.” And Wagner’s hand accidentally comes into contact with a crucifix, and Satan goes, “AUGH, I’M MELTING, OH, WHAT A WORLD, WHAT A WORLD, WHAT A WORLD,” and disappears down to hell.

Wagner goes to trial and acts himself a damn fool. Despite the fact that he and Agnes agreed that she’d be his “sister”, he tells the tribunal, “She is not my sister, but another close relative. I won’t tell you what.” He obviously can’t tell them he was out the night before she died because he was a Wehr-Wolf, so he just stays silent. I’m like, “TELL THEM YOU WENT FOR A WALK, AT LEAST,” but he’s like, “No. Noble silence.”

Then the tribunal brings out some creepy portraits they found in Wagner’s house, and Wagner’s like, “That first one is a picture of Faust, who I globe-trotted with.” And they’re like, “Jesus Christ, you mean the dude who everyone knows sold his soul to the devil? Like THAT'S not incriminating at an Inquisition trial.” And then they find a portrait of a Wehr-Wolf (I'm sorry, WHY does he have these portraits? This is never explained) and owning a portrait of a Wehr-Wolf, when Agnes has clearly been STABBED instead of savaged, somehow . . . proves he’s guilty . . . of Agnes’s murder . . . because . . . shut up, the Inquisition doesn't need reasons. So they, OF COURSE, sentence him to die at sunset on the day of the full moon and Wagner’s like, “That’s not a great idea, guys.”

Stephano’s ship sinks. As the ship is going down, he thinks “This is the perfect time to bang Nisida” (why not do it before now? Rapists aren't known for their patience). But she jumps overboard before he can grab her. Nisida washes up alone on a desert island.

Nisida’s still on the island, doing mermaid shit. [She's not a mermaid, but that'd be a great twist.]

Wagner’s getting ready to be executed in front of a big crowd. Lots of the people in the crowd are hot women because this is a Reynolds book and someone hasn’t been hot in a while. There are a lot of trembling, snowy bosoms in this chapter, is what I’m saying. Wagner turns into a Wehr-Wolf, kills his captors, and escapes. He runs into the woods where he stumbles upon two young lovers canoodling, and bumps into the girl SO HARD as he rushes past that he kills her. He runs almost one hundred miles to the coast in one night, changes back into a man, and gets a ship to go find Nisida.

Wagner gets swept overboard by a storm. He washes up on a desert island. Oh, hey, look, it’s the same island Nisida is on, because okay, sure, why not?

Awwww, shit, Stephano is also on the desert island. Wow, this island is a total magnet for main characters who can’t die at the point in the narrative. Stephano is like, “Omg, Nisida, you're here, too? Hey, baby, it’s non-consensual-sex o’clock! Oh, P.S. there is a giant monster snake on this island (no, I’m not talking about my penis).” So Nisida runs and he chases her, and she runs right into the coils of Chekov’s anaconda. (Yessss, crush her, snake! Crush her into POWDER! Then this book can end!)

Wagner runs into a hermit living on the island. Damn, this place is popular. The monk is like, “Hey, want some food?” And Wagner gets suspicious and refuses. The hermit is like, “Okay, okay, you caught me. I’m actually Satan trying to tempt you again. By the way, my magical powers made you wash up on this island with Nisida. Sell your soul to me and I’ll tell you where to find her in this wilderness. You should hurry, because Stephano is here and he’s ready for some lovin’.” Wagner’s like, “Go away please,” and finds Nisida—but before they can reunite, she gets snatched by the snake, OH NOOOOES!

Wagner kills the snake (Aww, maaaan). Nisida is so startled by her near-death experience that she reveals she’s not deaf and dumb anymore, but can speak! Then she says that she’s never been deaf or dumb, but made a vow 10 years ago that she would pretend to be, because . . . uh . . . Then Stephano comes back and is like, “I demand sex!” So Wagner kills him. And then Wagner and Nisida have sex. AS YOU DO.

OH, BALLS, MORE NEW CHARACTERS? Goddamn it, we should be wrapping things up, not introducing new plots. *SIGH* We go back in time to see Flora’s brother Alessandro (who is still a Christian at this point) checking out a hot chick at the bazaar in Constantinople. The next day a secret agent of the minister comes up to him and says, “I know you’re in love with a stranger woman from the market. Want her to love you back? Let me blindfold you and take you to her tonight.” Alessandro is like, “Awesome.” The spy blindfolds Alessandro and puts him on a boat.

Alessandro goes to his new mistress’s pad and it is full of ORIENTAL GLORY. Guys, this plays out like a bad Aladdin porno. She says that a Muslim maiden can never marry an infidel, so no sex until he converts. He’s like, “I’ll do anything for you, baby.” So they make out for a bit and then she sends him home, and the spy who arranged the meeting is like, “Awesome! You are now a faithful Muslim!”

Alessandro starts going by the name Ibrahim and begins working for the grand vizier. He does everything a good Muslim is supposed to do, but secretly keeps Jesus in his heart.

The Ottomans go to Rhodes to mess up some Christians. Alessandro/Ibrahim saves the sultan’s life, earning his thanks.

Alessandro/Ibrahim is tending to the wounded, captured Christian captain and recognizes him as Francisco, Count of Riverola (aka, the guy who employed his sister)! Francisco explains that he’s fighting out of despair, because both his sister, Nisida, and his girlfriend, Flora, have mysteriously disappeared. Alessandro/Ibrahim is like, “SHIT, THAT’S *MY* SISTER!”. The boys become BFFs and braid each others’ hair and stay up late talking. When Francisco leaves in a prisoner exchange, Alessandro/Ibrahim makes him promise to write and tell him how everything works out with the missing women.

Alessandro/Ibrahim gets named the new grand vizier. His personal assistant, Demetrius, has a really hot sister named Calanthe. He sends Demetrius to Italy to look for Flora. The sultan summons Alessandro/Ibrahim and says, “You are such a great vizier that I’ve decided you should marry my really hot sister, Aischa.” Alessandro is upset, because he’s in love with his mysterious stranger woman, and also he kind of has the hots for Calanthe now. If he marries the sultan’s sister, he isn’t allowed to have more than one wife. Booooo! Then he meets Aischa and realizes that she IS the mysterious stranger woman! Hurray!

Meanwhile, back in Florence, Giulia’s husband, the Count of Arestino, doesn’t believe his wife died in the convent fire. He’s really pissy because one of Stephano’s bandit friends ratted Giulia out and told the Count that she escaped and is living with Orsini in SIN, and that Orsini is planning to rescue Isaachar from the inquisition. The Count vows to kill them all (*evil laugh, clap of thunder*)

END PART FOOOOOOOOOOOOUR! Don't miss the final installment in two days.

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