I'm following this really interesting Twitter feed called @HistoryWeird. Instead of posting any long summary like I did yesterday, I'm just going to troll through their account and repost interesting things here. I might be marginally phoning it in, but STILL. I'm here. I'm here for YOU. My comments are in brackets. Not even half of these will be about the Victorian period.
Okay, I have no idea how accurate anything they post is, so yell at them, not me, if something is inaccurate. Actually, you never yell at anyone. I mean, you never comment normally, either, but that's okay, my reticent, dulcet darlings.
1.) 1911: Angered by news that Grigori Rasputin had slept with a nun, Mitya Kolyaba grabs Rasputin's penis and beats his head with a crucifix.
2.) 1454: The Duke of Burgundy hosts a feast in Lille, where guests are entertained by a 24-piece orchestra, performing inside an enormous pie.
3.) 1904: Dr Talmey's tips for preventing self-abuse [masturbation] in girls: "No spicy foods, coffee, tea or cocoa; no bicycle riding, novels or daydreaming." [Or breathing! Just . . . don't breathe, anyone. If you're not breathing, you're probably not masturbating.]
4.) 1847: French writer Honore de Balzac admits drinking 50-60 strong black coffees each day, each causing a "general commotion" in his stomach.
5.) 1471: To make a man fall in love with you, 'Crazy Katherine' of Arboga suggests sawing the head off a live cat and throwing it at his door. [OMG, I can verify this works. It's how I got my current boyfriend.]
6.) 1734: As the body of St John Joseph lies in state, one of his toes is bitten off by a mourner, "with a most regrettable excess of devotion". [Regrettable. Yep. That's the word.]
7.) 1457: A sow and 6 piglets are tried for murdering a boy in Savigny. The sow was hanged but the piglets were pardoned because of their youth.
8.) 1882: Menstruation, writes Dr Guernsey, brings "loveliness" to a woman's "character, beauty to her expression [and] music to her voice". [I guess he finds beauty in low-level mood swings. Beautiful and terrible as the morn. All shall love me and despair.]
9.) 1737: In Sweden, Arena Thomasdotter admits to lacing her husband's drink with excrement, an attempt to end his sexual interest in the maid.
10.) 1912: Tight corset kills overweight drag act.
11.) 1864: Lewis Jones is discharged from the 40th Ohio regiment for inviting his captain to "kiss my cracked, shanked, red, tired damned ass". [Don't ask, don't tell, I guess.]
12.) 1635: At the court of Louis XIII, Mlle. de La Fayette wets herself while laughing. She then blames the "yellow puddle" on "squeezed lemons". [Dammit, I have got to stop keeping freshly cut lemons under my skirt.]
13.) 1624: Mazzoni, a Modena cleric, admits to exorcising "genital demons" from "possessed" local women – with his fingers, mouth & own genitals. ["It's not what it looks like! She . . . uh . . . uh . . . had a DEMON in her cooter. Yeah."]
14.) 1789: Sparrow, "the tallest, straightest & cleanest Grenadier" on Dominica, is tarred, feathered and discharged after sodomising a turkey.
15.) 1632: Some London prostitutes prevent pregnancy with a large nutmeg, which is pickled in vinegar and "thrust up into the whibwob." [BAHAHAHA, "whibwob"].