It’s time for another installment of Victorian Snark Theatre 3000! And this time we’ll be discussing Seven Brides for Seven Brothers (1954). As you guys know, I watch a lot of shitty long nineteenth century-inspired films with my good friends @VictorianMasc and Dr Douglas Small, so we decided to turn them into blog posts.
Previous posts on VST3K include:
–Vanity Fair (2004)
–The Man in the Iron Mask (1998)
–The Raven (2012)
–Fievel Goes West (1991)
–Little Women (1994)
Warning for Spoilers and Lots and Lots of Swearing
TRIGGER WARNING FOR KIDNAPPING AND STOCKHOLM SYNDROME (I’m aware I’m quite flippant about this, but it’s only because this film is so tone deaf that one can’t help but laugh at the intense absurdity that it even got made)
For those who are unaware, this musical is a wholesome, family film that re-writes the Rape of the Sabine Women. Because MGM Technicolor musicals mean never having to say you’re kidding.
We open on OREGON, 1850, and let me tell you, friends, this film does not waste any time. The soundtrack is as fucking bombastic as anything I’ve ever heard. And not just bombastic. Jauntily bombastic.
If there were an Oscar for “most beautiful but least realistic sound stage flats“, this film would have won it every year for the rest of time.
Howard Keel (who was in pretty much every musical of the 1950s that needed He-Man virility and someone wearing an absurdly large codpiece) plays Adam Pontipee. Adam is a buckskin wearin’, shaggy-ass backwoodsman who drives his wagon into town to deliver grain and animal pelts.
Also, he’s decided it’s time to get married, but he doesn’t know any girls. He wishes he could just get a wife in trade for some of his grain, because early frontier sexism wasn’t terribly subtle.
He pervs on some young women
before revealing to the audience that he has at least SOME standards–not just any vagina will do! He lays out his standards in a song called (wine give me strength) “Bless Yore Beautiful Hide“. Let’s listen, shall we?
Douglas: Does that disembodied banjo just follow him around?
VictorianMasc: I think Douglas has just discovered the concept of musicals.
Then we had to pause the film for a while to consider what a better piece of art this film would be if Adam were played by Brian Blessed circa 1975, instead of Howard Keel.
God, I would pay such good money to see that film.
As seen in the song, Adam objectifies every woman in town, including a mannequin:
(“I can’t fuck this woman! She’s made of wood!”)
VictorianMasc: God, is no woman good enough? He’s like Goldicocks.
At long last (a minute and a half into the song–an eternity in musical theatre), he discovers Milly: she’s cute, she’s tough, and she can cook. Literally what else do you need a woman for except those three things?
Douglas: He talks about women in the same way the Ferengi on Star Trek do. I feel like Adam is a heartbeat away from calling them “females” at any given moment.
We also had to stop the film to laugh at the extremely Freudian “Saddle for Sale” sign behind them.
I would love to think that someone on the set of this film was that self-aware, but–much like with the strangely classical hairdos recalling the Sabine Women connection–we are probably just giving this film far too much credit.
Adam proposes to Milly over a cow:
And she inexplicably accepts. I think Milly is a few cabbages short of an allotment.
Douglas: “Dear Cow, I met the strangest man today.”
Adam shaves and takes what’s probably the first bath of his life, and runs to the preacher (who is understandably fucking perplexed).
Milly explains that loads of dudes propose to her all the time, and whenever she accepts their proposals, she always gets a terrible sinking feeling. But since that hasn’t happened in the fifteen minutes since she met and became engaged to Adam, she’s decided that this is an excellent basis upon which to enter into a legally binding socio-economic contract TIL DEATH.
They wed, and I have never seen any woman so desperately in need of a Sassy Gay Friend (wow, 2010 called and it wants its reference back).
The town goes ape-shit because there are simply not enough boobs to go around in Oregon Territory. The newlyweds go for a romantic drive back to the farm (the only route is apparently in front of the world’s clunkiest green screen).
Adam very, very specifically forgets to mention to his wife that he lives with his six bullshit brothers, and she’s going to have to cook and clean for ALL of them.
Milly, meanwhile, thinks she’s going off to some sort of Edenic log cabin where she can finally make use of her dowry: her dead parents left her some seeds for a garden, and a copy of Plutarch’s Lives.
VictorianMasc: I would laugh so hard of Adam just flung Plutarch’s Lives out of the carriage when she showed it to him. “No woman of mine is going to read.”
Adam mentions that they are driving through ECHO PASS, WHERE THE AVALANCHES HAPPEN IN WINTER.
Douglas: Chekov’s avalanche duly loaded, I guess.
Milly then stops to sing a very warbly song:
VictorianMasculinity: She spends a lot of time running in this number. Maybe the reptilian part of her brain senses danger and is telling her to desperately find a way out of this sound stage.
Douglas: Yeah, meanwhile Adam is just sitting there like, “Hmm. ‘Warble warble,’ you say? Is this some sort of woman thing?”
They finally make it up to Adam’s derelict cabin, where shit duly hits the fan. Ten thousand unwashed ginger brothers start spilling out of every conceivable location.
One of the brothers is like, “HOLY FUCKBALLS, ADAM ACTUALLY DID GET ONE OF THEM THAR WOMEN, LIKE’N HE SAID HE WAS GONNA!”
Douglas: What’s that yellow thang in blue? Is that a woman? We heard tell of these fabled creatures, and I’ll be dagged, they’re real!
Milly goes inside to see some sort of Miss Havisham fucking hellscape, meets even MORE brothers, and–in a desperate attempt to find something to be positive about– compliments the size of the room:
Well, to be fair, they need a lot of space to hold all their toxic masculinity.
For the record, the brothers are: Adam (the most misogynistic), Benjamin (the hot one who is a bit soulful), Caleb (no personality, but he’ll be the one with the goatee, eventually), Ephraim (no personality, don’t worry about it), Daniel (no personality, don’t worry about him either), Frank (full name ‘Frankincense’, and he is very. touchy. about. it.) and Gideon (li’l baby face, whom all the other brothers use as a cook and maid, because he’s the youngest and therefore the least deserving of respect–like a woman).
Anyway, they all get into a huge brawl, because testosterone is apparently an excuse for acting yourself a damn fool:
While Milly suffers the early stages of PTSD, Adam tells her she better get to work cooking and mending and cleaning his shit-pit of a house, and also she better ring the dinner bell real loud when she’s done, there’s a good wifey-poo.
Douglas: I guarantee you that Adam intends on using that as a sex bell, too.
Milly heroically (perversely?) rolls up her sleeves until everything in the hovel sparkles. Also, she cooks them a far better meal than they deserve. If that had been me, everyone would have gotten a dead raccoon stuffed with poison, but hey.
Milly gets pissed when the brothers don’t wait to say grace, and also because they are fucking man-children-pigs.
She flips the table, ruining all the food. Milly, I don’t know what you’re so smug about. It’s not like they’re going to clean up the mess.
Adam, meanwhile, knows he’s in the doghouse, and lurks around in the living room smoking a very manly pipe and hoping his brothers will go to bed before he does, in case Milly rejects him sexually.
VictorianMasculinity: Sometimes a pipe is just a pipe. And sometimes it’s not.
He eventually summons the balls to face his magnificently pissed-off wife, who is rocking in a rocking chair so fast and so hard we’re convinced she’s about to take off at any moment.
VictorianMasculinity: *quietly squeals* She’s rocking so fast it’s making me uncomfortable.
Adam says, “Shall I . . . turn down the covers?” and Milly responds with, “If you like.”
Douglas: Careful Adam. This is a trap.
Sho’ nuff, the trap springs closed and Milly goes on a glorious tirade about how Adam doesn’t want a real wife–he wants a maid. But maids have a right to collect a fucking salary and sleep on their own. He may have cheated her out of a salary, but she is not going to sleep with him, by god.
Douglas: All I can wonder is, what sort of machinations did it take for him to get a bedroom on his own? The other six brothers have to share a single room.
Well, to be fair, Howard Keel is the dick-swangin’est of all 1950s actors, so.
Adam, embarrassed that she saw through his paltry seduction attempts (but not wanting his brothers to know it), decides to climb out the bedroom window and sleep in a tree like a possum:
He tells Milly he thinks she’s real purdy, even if she won’t sleep with him. So she warbles another song and forgives him. This quickly sets the bar real low for all of Adam’s future behavior.
Douglas: I would laugh so hard if when she finished singing, the camera pans back out to reveal Adam just sitting naked in that tree.
VictorianMasculinity: I actually have a really hard time watching these old films, because that blank face that one actor has to give while another actor finishes up their song is the exact face I get from students who are bored during my lectures.
She’s not wrong.
Anyway, Milly lets Adam come back inside where they presumably have lacklustre, fumbling sex.
The next morning, Milly wakes up all the brothers with a feast. BUT, in a very strange and kinky turn of events, she reveals that she’s stolen all their clothes while they all slept (HOW?) and now she’s after their underpants, and they’re all going to get washed and shaved, or by god the food will go to the pigs:
The 1950s equivalent of a 1990s makeover montage (where you remove someone’s glasses and suddenly they’re attractive) is slightly more complex here (in that it involves removing 25 years’-worth of lice), but the principle is the same. The Pontipee brothers are total beefcakes:
In the space of one bath, Milly’s also managed to teach them the basics of human manners and Christianity. The brothers say please and thank you and pass food around delicately. They also wait for Milly to say grace before they begin eating.
Douglas: Wow, that is one savvy power play by Milly: “Say you’ve all been very bad boys and you’ll never do it again, and pray that we all keep Portland safe from hipsters always, O Lord.”
Things go well for a few days until Milly and the brothers go into town for some supplies and the brothers run into other womenfolk. They offer the women chewing tobacco, as they have no idea what sorts of things might appeal to these strange, bosom-ed creatures. It does not go well. The women are insulted and some Townie dick-holes decide to start throwing punches:
Gideon sees the boys fighting from inside a shop and screams, “Hey! It’s us!”, because I guess he hasn’t gotten to the stage of toddler development where he recognizes that he’s distinct as an individual. Someone gets punched through a window and the Pontipee family barely makes it back to the cabin alive.
Milly decides she’s got to socialize these assholes like they’re fucking puppies who need to behave well at the park. She teaches the basics: talking to women, dancing, flirting. She probably should have started with things like not punching every person in the world, but okay. Mating potential is more important.
Milly: When you meet a girl, don’t grab her like she’s a flapjack!
Douglas: Yeah! Court her like she’s bacon!
This eventually leads to a song and dance number talking about the basic human respect desired by women:
VictorianMasculinity: Quick question–why is she holding a pine branch?
Douglas: This scene is absolutely superb for a porn parody. If there isn’t a scene somewhere on the internet where Milly teaches them about cunnilingus, I’ll eat my hat!
VictorianMasculinity: My god, the syllable count would even be the same. You wouldn’t have to change the rhythm of the “Goin’ Courtin'” tune to “Cunnilingus”. This film really is softballing ’em in to the porn industry, isn’t it?
We were too nervous to check, by the way, because the internet is a terrifying place.
In the space of one song, the brothers are now fully mature members of society. We can tell because their nails are clean and they have new clothes, indicating their transformation is complete.
VictorianMasculinity: Wow. Look at that rainbow of 1950s heterosexuality.
The family is going into town for a real ole fashioned Pacific northwest shindig: a barn raisin’! They arrive with everyone standing up in the moving wagon, because 1.) they’re all thick as two short planks, and 2.) this film apparently did not have an historical consultant or a health and safety expert.
All the women in the town get super lustful over these brightly colored, large-chested dudes, which isn’t really surprising considering that all the Townie men look like knock-off Walt Disneys:
Milly quickly pairs off all the brothers with her female friends under the pretense of “hey, boys, help the little women carry food over to the picnic tables”. It works.
VictorianMasculinity: Wow, Milly is surprisingly good at this. She’s like the Machiavelli of sex.
Douglas: Yes, she’s known around these parts at the Prairie Fox.
Then everyone dances, because we haven’t had a song in four and a half minutes. It begins as so many great tunes at the club do: with a guy hitting an anvil.
Douglas: Adam’s like, “Aww, they’re playing our song.”
Wow, the world would be such a better place if all disputes were settled by competitive ax gymnastics and elaborately choreographed Michael Kidd numbers.
We also had to mute the film at parts to do a Darwinian reading and pretend we were David Attenborough.
VictorianMasculinity: Here we see the males preening and performing feats of strength for the available females. As we can tell, the females are immediately more attracted to the males with brighter plumage.
Douglas: I hope whoever’s barn they’re supposed to be building is tapping his foot angrily in the corner, like, “No this is fine. Daylight’s wasting, winter is coming on, and my herd might starve. But you guys dance out your sexual aggression, by all means.”
Eventually the dudes get down to business, especially because the barn owner adds in an element of competition: whichever team of builders gets their wall up first will win a cow.
Look, it was a simpler time.
Adam signs up the brothers as one team, and the Bad Walt Disney Cohort signs up as another team.
There are two other teams, of course, but we know they’re not going to win because none of them is currently trying to fuck anything, so they have zero stakes in this scene.
The Pontipee brothers get their side up first, which only further enrages the Townies. So they get revenge in a more directly Darwinian way: attempted murder.
They hit brothers with boards and drop hammers on them.
Apparently no one in the huge crowd notices or cares about grievous bodily harm. Like a Dothraki wedding, it’s not a fun party unless at least like 5 people die, so.
One of the dumber Townies didn’t get the memo not to mess with Adam, though, and when he gets thwacked with a board, all hell breaks loose:
The brothers band together and jump in to save him (because who wouldn’t want to protect your verbally and physically abusive older brother? Oh my god, has Adam given everyone in this film Stockholm Syndrome?) They start an enormous brawl which ends in the barn being torn down to its very foundations:
There is so much punching and rough housing in this scene that I honestly despair at the idea of ever having a son.
Meanwhile, the barn’s owner is having a full-on nervous breakdown (although no one else in the scene seems to be that bothered?)
YOU HAVE MADE A MOCKERY OF THIS BARN RAISING, YOU FUCKING TEMPERATE RAIN FOREST TRASH
But it’s okay, I guess, because Adam and the boys are having the time of their short and horrible lives:
They put their hands on their hips, throw back their heads, and laugh manfully. MANFULLY, I SAY.
At home, Milly tends to their wounds and presumably starts plotting her Phyllis Dietrichson scheme to just murder fucking everyone in her family.
The boys don’t understand what’s wrong. I mean, this is basically just how they lived every day before Milly came along. So why do they feel so terrible? Is it guilt?
No. It’s love.
Gideon starts reminiscing about the girl he met at the party and tells Milly he feels “awful strange–what is it?”
Douglas: It’s an erection, Gideon. Just an erection.
Gideon goes out to talk to Adam about love stuff. Adam sings the reprise of Milly’s warble-warble tree-sex song:
VictorianMasc: Hear me out on this–I think Howard Keel would be fantastic at that Mongolian throat singing thing. He missed his real calling.
Milly gets all teared up hearing Adam talk about love. Until he says, “If you don’t get this girl, another one will come along. One woman is pretty much like the next. Let’s go feed the stock.”
Douglas: LOVE IS TEMPORARY, GIDEON; COWS ARE FOREVER.
But Adam’s advice doesn’t take, and as winter sets in, the boys are all plagued with the saddest and most persistent erections of their lives. This leads to–and I wish I were joking even the slightest about this–a sad farm equipment ballet to a song called “I’m a Lonesome Polecat.”
Just . . . just watch it.
Honestly, there is nothing I can even say about this scene. It speaks for itself. One of the lyrics is honestly: “A man can’t sleep when he sleeps with sheep.” Because sheep are nymphos. They just want it ALL THE TIME.
Anyway, shit really starts to go south when one of the brothers starts contemplating freedom. Milly visits Hot Benjamin up in the loft while he’s moodily pitchforking some hay (that’s probably not a euphemism). He reveals he’s fed up and he’s going to leave the farm.
VictorianMasc: I finally figured it out. Benjamin is Sam Gamgee’s studly older brother.
Milly runs and tells Adam, who develops a cunning plan, which he learned from them thar Romans in that thar book. Kidnapping women is the way to domestic bliss. This leads to the JAUNTIEST, CATCHIEST RAPE MUSIC IN THE HISTORY OF THE WESTERN WORLD. It’s called (*long pause to shake head*) “Sobbin’ Women”.
You read that correctly.
VictorianMasc and I then had to pause the film to discuss the fact that we’re both attracted to Howard Keel in this song despite every atom of our bodies being simultaneously repulsed by him. Buckskin pants hide a multitude of predatory sins.
Douglas: That pose he takes at the end just screams, “Coats on and cocks out, lads!”
They drive into town and steal women in increasingly absurd ways–whisking them out of windows, interrupting their dates with other dudes, and by pretending to be kitties (seriously, Gideon meows hysterically outside a girl’s house until she comes out to see what the problem is).
This leads to a chase scene, where terrified fathers and brothers try to catch up with Adam, who laughs heroically while making off with their screaming, fighting daughters:
This scene always astounds me. I am honestly shocked that this film got made.
Of course, the chase goes through Echo Pass, and Chekov’s avalanche goes off. It’s actually pretty impressive:
LOOKS LIKE WE’RE SNOWED IN TIL SPRING, BOYS
Douglas: Ain’t no party like a Donner Party.
They drive back home and Milly comes out like, “WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS?”
She orders Adam to bring back the girls immediately, but he can’t because 1.) the avalanche closed the pass until the snow melts, and also 2.) because the boys are in luuurv and does she want the boys to be sad?
VictorianMasc: Yeah, Milly. The situation’s already gotten a bit out of hand, what with the sex slavery.
Then Gideon figures out that in the excitement, they forgot to kidnap a parson. Oh no! They can’t forcibly marry the girls until spring!
For some reason, this is the last straw for Milly, who exiles the boys to the barn for the entire winter. Adam grumbles about getting kicked out of his own house over just a few small felonies, so he fucks off up to his other cabin even farther back in the woods.
Of course he would have a bachelor cabin.
THEN BEGIN THE COURTSHIP SHENANIGANS. The girls throw cold water on the boys in the freezing cold, and pelt them with snowballs filled with rocks.
Apparently that vents their anger enough, because the girls are able to go back being all dreamy-eyed over their hillbilly stalkers.
Dorcas, one of the kidnapped girls, figures out that they’re probably sleeping in what was once the boys’ bedroom, and which of the boys slept in her bed, do you suppose? The other girls are shocked, but I like Dorcas because she isn’t a prude.
Yeah, Dorcas definitely knows her way ’round a dick.
Then, in a scene written 100% by a man, the women strip down to their underwear, slut-shame each other for liking boys, and then get into a massive cat fight.
Milly breaks up the fight by revealing she’s pregnant (although I WISH she broke up the fight by throwing copies of Virginia Woolf’s chapter “If Chloe Liked Olivia” at those brats). Ovaries before brovaries, you guys.
The girls chill their collective tits, ooh and aah over the idea of a baby, and agree to all stop being such fucking hypocrites: they’ve fallen in love with their kidnappers and are going to marry them. They do a delightful pantaloon Stockholm Syndrome ballet:
Then the seasons pass and everyone frolics like no crimes have been committed:
Then Milly gives birth! To a girl baby!
Gideon rides up to the bachelor pad cabin to tell Adam (who has apparently worn one shirt for the last six months).
Adam is DISGUSTED that his manful loins could produce something so weak as a girl. It’s clearly just one of Milly’s womanly tricks to try to win him back. Gideon gets in a good punch, tells Adam to kindly go fuck himself, and rides back home:
Pontipee men can only think with their fists or through someone else’s, so this totally works. Gideon’s fist shakes something loose in Adam’s caveman brain, and Adam decides to come home.
VictorianMasc: Wow, Milly looks like waiting room wallpaper.
Adam reveals that the snow has melted, the pass is open, and it’s time to bring the girls home. Otherwise, their menfolk will be there to collect them soon, and things will turn ugly. He tells the boys to get the horses ready.
When he’s alone with Milly, he reveals his real reason for coming home. He got thinking about having a daughter, and how he’d feel if someone came around and stole her. We all collectively paused to remember and admire this tweet:
Douglas: After 6 months alone with the wolves, I learned that rape is wrong.
Adam plays with the baby and Milly reveals that she hasn’t named her yet. She was thinking either Hagar or Hepzibah. Fucking Hagar or Hepzibah.
VictorianMasc: HAGAR OR HEPZIBAH?
Douglas: HAGAR OR HEPZIBAH?
Hagar or Hepzibah.
Mercifully, they settle on “Hannah” instead. Adam reveals that he not only begun his first, pathetic leanings toward feminism (in that he now recognizes that women he personally knows just might be human beings), but also that he’s been thinking about Milly a lot. He might actually love her.
Adam: I thought about you up there.
I mean, he only had the wolves to masturbate to, so this isn’t really surprising.
The boys get ready to bring the girls home, but the girls STAUNCHLY REFUSE–they hide and run away, and the boys try to wrangle them into the wagon in a perverse inversion of the kidnapping scene:
Unfortunately, the fathers and brothers of the girls are already on their way. They are in a rather lynching mood.
It is not helped by the fact that the fathers and brothers walk in on the Pontipee farm in what looks like fucking bacchanalian chaos, with women screaming and hiding and being man-handled:
It’s okay, though! What these fathers assumed was a violent, mass-raping was just a hilarious, wholesome, 1950s misunderstanding, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA
I’m so sorry.
That was a laugh that slowly turned into a scream.
Anywho, the fathers start throwing nooses over trees, until they hear the baby crying in the house. Everyone pauses and does some mental math. Oh fuck. One of our daughters could have theoretically given birth. Guess you gotta marry your rapist now, new mother!
One of the fathers asks whose baby it is. The girls, like they’re in some sort of cult, get glassy-eyed and respond as one: “MINE.”
Cut to a shotgun wedding:
It also ends with the most inappropriately happy music, and a 1950s-style kiss that almost definitely required the women to develop an opioid addiction to deal with their neck pain:
And it was the happiest kidnapping-turned-almost-lynching-turned-septuple-wedding that ever was! THE END!
Two thoughts: 1.) I give it until the week is out before Milly kicks Adam back up to the wolf cabin, and 2.) considering there are only two bedrooms in this house, this is going to lead to one hell of an awkward wedding night.
We also discovered in the credits that the guy playing Ephraim was loaned by the NYC ballet:
Douglas: Do you think the New York City ballet has to make a dark sacrifice every year to Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer?
Yes, Douglas. Yes, I do.
We are currently arranging our next movie-watching extravaganza, although no films have formally been selected. I was dimly contemplating the CBC Anne of Green Gables, but we’ll see how the trip pans out. Happy to take suggestions.